


Beginning of an End

by riri_writess



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Childhood Friends, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trauma, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:22:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28931712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riri_writess/pseuds/riri_writess
Summary: Why does my heart race as if I'm serving for a match? No sane soul have their heartbeat this loud by their childhood friend for eleven years, let alone another man.Am i in love with Tsukki?
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 25





	1. Beginning of an End

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I am new here, and I hope you'll love this Tsukkiyama story. Please take note that if you are uncomfortable with scenes containing anxiety/panic attacks, I highly recommend that you don't read this. Please take care everyone, and enjoy.

> **"You made flowers bloom in my lungs and although they are beautiful, I can't breathe."** _—_ Anonymous.

"Sorry, Tsukki". Yamaguchi was out of breath as he frantically runs after Tsukishima. 

It's almost past 7 am and they are almost a few minutes late for their first class. The day was just about to start and the fresh air in Miyagi was noticeably calming, but a visible amount of sweat was trickling down Yamaguchi's freckles after running a few miles to meet his stoic childhood friend. 

"Shut up, Yamaguchi. You are a slowpoke ever since." The taller male replied in annoyance.

The freckled male chuckled and anxiously explained. "I had to deliver some flowers in another neighborhood, but I got ready way earlier than you, Tsukki!" 

_You are way moodier in the morning Tsukki._ I wanted to add but I know better than provoking Tsukishima Kei. People might think he is an enigma, and at times I do too, but even being late for the past 11 years, the nonchalant blonde keeps on patiently waiting for me every single time, with a complaint of course, but nevertheless, he does. 

"Ah, that's why you smelled so nice." Tsukishima plainly said. But it was more of self-realization than an answer.

"Huh? I always do! You are silly, Tsukki. We own a flower shop remember?" Yamaguchi blushed. 

_What a silly way to make your best friend's heart race, Tsukki._ I shook the thought as fast as it occurred in my head. 

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

Yamaguchi's heart kicked a ruckus in his chest, mingling confusion and excitement at once.

Tsukki and I joined Karasuno's Volleyball Team. Together with Hinata Shoyo, Kageyama Tobio, Tsukki became a regular player for the team even as a first-year, while I've been practicing as a pinch server for the team. A substitute, but regardless still part of the team. Tsukki is always a step ahead of me, but I do hope that sometimes, somehow, we are walking side by side, rather than me just falling behind. There are instances in which I felt that I have caught up with him, then something like this always happens.

During the Aoba Johsai match, it happened again. 

I was called to change the momentum of the game. As a pinch server who does jump floats, as I did my serve it didn't even pass on the other side, instead, it was caught on our side of the net. A rare chance was given, few chances to enter countless matches, but I failed. Again.

Our first Inter-high Tournament ended with a 25-22. Aoba Johsai won against Karasuno.

They went back to their gym to practice after the match. Then it started.

_This is all on you, Tadashi._ Yamaguchi's breathing hitches.

_You're a god damn mistake, Tadashi._ His hands and feet were starting to feel numb. A ball of fear formed on his stomach.

_Flowers are beautiful, aren't they? How about grazing it here, Tadashi?_ His body shuddered at that thought. He covered his mouth as if to hold a scream inside.

_Here it is again. It's coming back again, isn't it? What was I thinking and it's not even related to-_

"Tadashi?" Concern marred at Tsukishima's features as he looked at the other male.

Yamaguchi flinched when he heard his name. Though his body is tingling and his face can't feel a thing, he stared blankly at his blonde friend but his eyes were bloodshot and tears trickled down his freckled face.

"Kei."

Tsukkishima panicked for a second, then he hurriedly grabbed him to their club room, as the rest of their team was busy practicing late at night, "Breathe Tadashi."

Panic engulfed him. His heart thumped against his rib cage. It fought for space in his chest with the air frozen in his lungs, though it felt like he wasn't breathing at all.

"Deep breaths. Follow my breathing. You have to inhale and-"

"Help me Tsukki."

Tsukishima was alarmed. It has been years since he witnessed his childhood friend in this state. He is the type of guy to be calm in any situation, but this leaves him unhinged.

"Focus on my breathing, okay?"

Yamaguchi was trembling. His breathing was even more unstable The blonde male holds Yamaguchi's hands. "Hey look at me, I'm here Tadashi. You are not alone, alright? Inhale through your nose, and exhale through your mouth. Focus on me, Shi."

Tears were streaming non-stop on Yamaguchi. He felt pathetic at this state, but he can't help but cling to him. He needs to breathe. To live. Panic attacks come and go but feeling trapped, even for a moment feels like death calling him, it's inching closer as he tries to breathe. Tsukishima massaged his hands in a circular motion and continued doing it on his feet as well. Minutes passed and the numbness on his and hands and feet subsided. His breathing is becoming normal already.

In their small club room, the light of the moon shone on Yamaguchi's exhausted face, as he was leaning on Tsukishima. The blonde boy leaned on the walls together with the smaller one. He did not notice that he was more exhausted and nervous about what happened. He took his headphones out and closed his eyes for a while.

The whole team went back to the club room after their long practice, as they opened the room, everyone was baffled and kept on looking from the mean duo sleeping and back to their other teammates.

"What a sight. Right, Kageyama?" The orange-haired guy chuckled.

"Stupid Hinata! We should take a picture." The tall setter replied with a straight face as if it was his life's purpose.

"Didn't know Tsukishima has this side." Their ace commented and the rest of the third years agreed.

"Asahi-san, do you want to sleep on my arms too?." Nishinoya joked to Asahi, earning a loud laugh from the second year, causing the sleeping duo to be awake.

The two opened their eyes not understanding what was the commotion until they faced each other. A blush was creeping on their faces. Tsukishima pushed Yamaguchi to the side, causing their teammates to burst into laughter. The two males tried to hide their flustered faces.

"It's not what you think." The freckled boy reasoned out.

"Shut up, Yamaguchi!"

"Sorry, Tsukki."

Everyone said their goodbyes and went home. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were alone already as they walked in their neighborhood. The males were still flustered from what happened. Neither was speaking until Tsukishima broke the silence.

"Do you want to have a sleepover at my house?"

"You don't have to worry about me Tsukki."

"I'm not Tadashi. You are living alone anyway, and tomorrow is a free day."

_He called me that again._

"Oh, you wanna hang out! Sorry, you could have just told me that, Tsukki."

"That was what I am saying stupid."

"Let me just drop at my house for a minute. I need to get something from there."

The two males arrived at Tsukishima's residence and the exhausted boys had a full meal before resting from the eventful day.,"Tsukki, the strawberry shortcake is amazing, right?" Yamaguchi fondly looked at his best friend. Nothing can make his stoic friend smile and become less stoic other than giving him a strawberry shortcake. Tsukishima really is an enigma.

"Shut up," Tsukishima replied as he savored the last piece of the dessert.

"Thank you Tsukki for helping me again, and sorry for putting you in that situation again."

"Why do you keep saying again?" Tsukishima stopped eating as he faced his friend.

"You always saved me ever since we were young. You are the coolest, Tsukki! Whenever I'm faced with something like that, you are always there."

"You are being dramatic again, Tadashi."

Yamaguchi just smiled and looked away. As they were about to rest, Tsukishima looked at his friend intently and after considering it he asked him.

"When did it come back? Is it because of the match? And you should bring your medicine. I'm not always around to help."

Yamaguchi hesitantly replied, "I really can't pinpoint the reason, but probably I was thinking too much about my failed serve."

"It was just one point wasted."

"But it could have-"

"It couldn't have saved the match. They are a powerhouse. Don't dwell on it too much, because this is just a volleyball club after all." Tsukishima reasoned out in annoyance.

"Sorry, Tsukki."

"Shut up. Stop with that. Held your head high and you did what you could, and It's not your fault we lost. Don't stray on that thought again."

_Ah, his words are sharp but they are comforting as well. Am I just being a sadist? I'll never know._

A chuckled left Yamaguchi's lips, "You are a softy, Tsukki." Tsukishima was baffled by his friend's reply and threw a pillow at him, which ended up being a pillow fight.

These are the mundane and rare moments that Yamaguchi treasured the most. As he was drifting off to sleep, he felt that it was getting colder than before. He keeps on shifting, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in this weather. Until he felt another blanket was placed on him.

"Good night, Tadashi. Don't get sick again."

Yamaguchi is awake now. His heart was beating loudly. He didn't remove a muscle as he was afraid that Tsukishima might hear his odd heart.

_I must be going crazy from everything, right? This is incredibly wrong, right? Why does my heart race as if I'm serving for a match?_ _No sane soul have their heartbeat this loud by their childhood friend for eleven years, let alone another man._

_Am i in love with Tsukki?_

I drifted off to sleep with those thoughts and the fact that this could be the beginning of an end.

I'm not falling for him. 


	2. Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today is a good day. Yamaguchi thought.
> 
> Until it wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for all the kudos you've left. I'll be posting more chapters for this, I hope you'll like this one too. Have a great day!

  
It was a bright morning. Yamaguchi's eyes fluttered as the light crept inside Tsukishima's bedroom. He was not a light sleeper at all, but it seems like a commotion is happening inside the room.

As he opened his eyes, three blondes were present inside. One affectionately smiling, the other was rather too enthusiastic, and lastly the other one without any expression at all, and was bringing a huge cake.

"Happy Birthday Tadashi!" Tsukishima Akiteru brightly greeted the younger one.

"You have all grown up now our little Shi." Mrs. Tsukishima warmly said.

"He is not ours, Mom." The stoic blonde retorted.

"You are such a Debbie downer, brother. Your wrinkles are showing." Akiteru nervously joked at him.

It was simple, but it was perfect. It could be the most mundane thing in the world, but the simplest things are what Yamaguchi treasured the most.

Tears were forming on his doe eyes. "Thank you so much. It feels nice to be greeted like this. Thank you for doing it every year like I'm a family."

"You are family, Shi." Mrs. Tsukishima warmly smiled as he reassured the younger.

"Let's eat some breakfast Tadashi! You can't have an empty stomach on your day."

As the two older Tsukishimas left the room. The stoic one began to talk.

"Happy Birthday Tadashi." Tsukishima greeted the freckled male without looking at him.

"Thank you Tsukki! You guys are the best."

"Can we go out today? Let's go to the park and our flower shop."

"Shut up."

"So that's a yes, right Tsukki ?" The freckled male can't help but laugh at his best friend. He always has different ways to say yes.

"Let's go somewhere else. You shouldn't work on your birthday."

"I'll just visit our store and we'll go. It's just a quick one, I swear."

"Fine, but let's go somewhere else before that."

"Okay, Tsukki!"

Yamaguchi can't help but feel emotional. Maybe it was because he is a growing teenager or it was feeling the warmth given by a family.

"And thank you Tsukki for greeting me each year. It must be a hassle, but thank you."

"You are family Tadashi. What are you talking about?" Tsukishima chuckled and smiled warmly at his friend.

"You guys are my only family."

"I know." Tsukishima ruffled the smaller guy's 

Yamaguchi's heart thudded in his chest.

"Let's go now, Shi." Tsukishima smiled and grabbed the smaller boy's hand.

His heart thudded louder and louder. An itch started to form on his throat, and he feels something different on his chest.

 _This is wrong._ Yamaguchi thought.

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi are panting as they arrived at the top of a hill in Miyagi which was a convenient place to be since it is near to Yamaguchi's flower shop. Though it was near, he has never been there. Yamaguchi's days were always spent in the Tsukishima's residence.

The two males sat at the bench that was overlooking the world below. It was quiet and comforting. 

_Today is a good day._ Yamaguchi thought. Probably one of the best birthdays he had in years.

Tsukishima suddenly pulled out something from his bag. He rummaged his bag to light something on his hand, then he turned to Yamaguchi who was looking up at the sky.

"Happy Birthday, Shi." 

Yamaguchi faced Tsukishima who was holding two sparklers in his hands. His eyes went wide at the sight of his blonde friend. His pupils dilated and his heart leaped like a wild stag in his throat.

"Tsukki." A pool of tears was forming in his eyes. An inch was threatening to come upon his throat.

"I won't say this again and don't you dare make fun of me when I say this." Tsukishima looked away and his cheeks flushed against the night sky.

The small one expectantly looked at the taller one.

"You are not alone you know. You have us, or me." The blonde timidly said as his cheeks grew a shade of red.

Tsukishima continued, "You always tend to look at yourself inferiorly, though we are not much to complete you, you have us. Your past will never define you, Shi. You grew up to be a cooler person you know."

Tsukishima barely said the last line, but Yamaguchi was able to hear everything he said under the quiet night sky.

Instead of a reply, Yamaguchi suddenly hugged Tsukishima, causing the blonde male to be stiffened by the situation he is in.

It lasted for a few seconds until Tsukishima broke the silence, "You aren't falling for me, aren't you shi?" 

Yamaguchi pushed Tsukishima from him, earning a grunt from his blonde friend. 

Upon realizing what he did, he hurriedly helped the taller male to the bench, "Sorry, Tsukki. You were spouting nonsense." He nervously explained.

Tsukishima let out an unrestrained laugh, "You know I'm joking, but you should have seen your face." He said in between his fits of laughter. "You looked like you have seen a ghost. Why in the world would you fall for me, stupid."

Tsukishima continued humoring Yamaguchi, "You are right, only a crazy person does that, and you like provocative people, right Tsukki?" causing the taller male to blushed.

 _I must be crazy._ Yamaguchi thought.

"Shut up." 

It was Yamaguchi's turned to laugh uncontrollably, though his throat inches once more. He must be dehydrated from all that happened on his day. Yamaguchi looked at the other male again, as he looked at the sky while shaking his head from what happened but a smile crept on his face.

 _Today is a good day. No, scratch that, today is the best day in my sixteen years in this world._ Yamaguchi contently thought. These memories are what he'll treasure the most. 

"Let's head back. It's getting cold, Shi."

"I'll pass by our shop first."

"Don't take too long."

"Yes, captain!"

"You are crazy."

As Yamaguchi entered the store, the whole atmosphere changed. The whole room smelled heavenly unless you have an allergy because different flowers are placed on the different sides of the room. Making it looked like a garden, rather than a store.

The freckled male felt another itch on his throat. It happened a few times already, he must be really dehydrated after all. As he was about to pass by a section of the store he froze, his eyes were wide from the caught him off guard.

 _The rose finally bloomed._ Yamaguchi realized. 

_The roses have a nice shade, aren't they? How about grazing it here, Tadashi?_ Yamaguchi's breath hitches.

_" **You are family Tadashi."**_

He grimaced as his breathing was becoming unsteady.

 _"You just have to feel it here, Tadashi. You don't want to be alone, don't you?_ The blood drained from his face. Terror is such a sly thing. It crept on his insides, slowly reaching out to him, begging him to be engulfed with it.

_" **You are not alone you know. You have us, or me."**_

He attempted to let out a scream, but his throat had seized up.

 _Come with me, Tadashi._ His throat was painfully itching.

**_"You aren't falling for me, aren't you shi?"_ **

Yamaguchi roughly coughed as the itch made its way on his mouth, and a tendril of panic seized his chest. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. 

Laying on his palm, a bright daffodil petal was visible accompanied by a dark shade of red blood.

"No way. I'm not in love with anyone. I must be going crazy, right? Someone tell me this is not real. This must be a joke." Yamaguchi assured himself, then he remembered.

Today I turned sixteen. 


	3. Cursed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi directly went to the nearest bathroom and loudly cough, but the itch didn't subside at all, causing him to panic as his breath hitches. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. 
> 
> I seriously have the worst luck.
> 
> Yamaguchi thought to himself. As he was about to steady his breathing, another cough was breaking from his lungs, it felt like something crawled from it. As he looked at his palm, his eyes flew open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! Just a trigger warning, there will be vomiting scenes in this one and talks about anxiety/anxiousness, if you are not comfortable with that, I suggest to refrain from reading this. Have a great day! Let's get through this angst!

Yamaguchi was pale as they went to Tsukishima's home. Tsukishima was worried that he might have another attack soon, but he thought that the day could have just tired him out. He also took into account that some days whenever Yamaguchi closes their flower shop, he tends to be dazed for a while.

The following day, the Karasuno team are preparing for their trip to Tokyo for the training camp before the Spring Finals. As they were riding the bus, a conversation spark as Hinata shared daunting news going around the town.

"Oi, Kageyama. Have you heard that another victim died because of the Hanahaki again?"

"Was he from another team in Miyagi?"

"Yeah, he was young though."

Tanaka chimed in their conversation as the rest of the team was also curiously listening, "So the Hanahaki is not just a made-up story then?"

"It doesn't feel real until it gets close you know," Daichi replied with a serious face.

"Thank God I'm only into volleyball or else I wouldn't be able to defeat you Kageyama!"

"Hinata."Kageyama responded with a menacing face, "Boke!" 

"Are you afraid to die from that Kageyama?" Hinata jokingly asked the ravenette as he chuckled with the idea of his teammate being focus on anything besides volleyball.

"You don't have to fall for anyone, simple as that." Tsukishima bluntly said in annoyance. As the ruckus of their conversation disrupted his sleep.

The rest of them burst into laughter upon hearing Tsukishima's opinion on the topic. 

"Boke!" Everyone shouted and laughter kept feeling the bus as the sun was about to break into the sky.

Yamaguchi's cough broke the loud atmosphere of the bus causing everyone to worry.

"Are you sick, Yamaguchi? You have been oddly wearing a mask. "Sugawara worriedly asked the freckled male.

"I just have a cold, nothing to worry about." He assured everyone who was looking at him. "Can I go down at the nearest stop though? I wanna go to the bathroom." Their coach agreed and the rest of the team tried to rest as a week of training, familiar faces, and new people awaits them in Tokyo.

Yamaguchi directly went to the nearest bathroom and loudly cough, but the itch didn't subside at all, causing him to panic as his breath hitches. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. 

_I seriously have the worst luck._

Yamaguchi thought to himself. As he was about to steady his breathing, another cough was breaking from his lungs, it felt like something crawled from it. As he looked at his palm, his eyes flew open.

_It is real. It wasn't a dream after all._

A bright yellow daffodil petal was laying on his palm, and there was more blood than the last time.

As the weeks passed, Karasuno directly bonded with the other teams from Tokyo, especially with Nekoma and Fukurodani. They always have free practices after their practice matches during the day. Everything was going well, and even the unenthusiastic Tsukishima Kei is doing well and making friends, specifically with Nekoma's middle blocker, Kuroo Tetsuro. 

Yamaguchi rested at the top of the hill near the gym, trying to calm himself from the uneasiness he's been feeling for a few days now. His uneasiness got worst by the sight he was seeing outside the gym. The outside was a bit dim and it was the moonlight that made the shadows visible. His fears were confirmed as he saw the unlikely blonde male laughing with the rooster-head middle blocker from Nekoma. They were inching closer to each other as if personal space never existed. As they were about to go further, the freckled male closes his eyes as another itch formed on his throat.

_Friends don't do that._ Yamaguchi humored himself.

As he was about to cough more petals, he heard someone vomit, which alarmed him and he directly took his mask.

He saw bloody rose petals on the other side of the tree. As he was focused on his thoughts, he didn't notice someone sat close to where he is, and probably that person didn't notice him as well, but the odds will never be in favor of him. As the itch got harder to bear, Yamaguchi vomited a lot of daffodil petals than before. It used to come in just one or two, but it seems that these days it became worst than ever.

_How can a beautiful thing hurt so much?_ Yamaguchi thought.

As the vomiting session ended, and unending moments of pain subsided, they look at each other. Eyes wide from the shock.

"Kenma?"  
  
"Yamaguchi?"

The irony of the world doesn't seem to cease for Yamaguchi.

_Childhood friends have it bad, huh?_

Yamaguchi let out a mirthless laugh, and Nekoma's setter, Kenma, joined him as well. The laughter then turned into heartwrenching sobs.

Yamaguchi doesn't know if they were crying because of the pain of the disease or the one they witnessed earlier. The two hopeless males sat and tried to calm themselves, as their other halves found another one to comfort beside them.

Kenma broke the silence, "Don't you dare tell anyone that I cried."

"Really, that's what you are concerned about?" Yamaguchi laughed half-heartedly.

Kenma smiled, "I have a reputation to live up to."

"Don't tell mine as well."

"It's not my business to tell."

The two fell silent again.

Yamaguchi asked, "Are you getting worst?"

"Yes and no." Kenma nonchalantly answered.

"You are coughing rose petals already."

"Oh, that. It's his favorite flower after all." Kenma smiled again but as the moonlight on his face, a pool of tears was threatening to fall. He brushed it off directly.

"That's unfortunate. They are beautiful but dangerously deadly." Yamaguchi was lost in his thoughts as he bluntly replied to Kenma.

"Right. I used to like it as well before, but the thing about roses, it has thorns."

"Aren't you scared, Kenma?"

"About being filled up with roses and eventually feeling the thorns on my insides? Most probably. Not being with him? Definitely."

Though they are basically strangers, they didn't hold back because it is rare to find someone who understands how you feel, emotionally and physically, but it was unfortunate that it was this way.

Kenma continued, "I want to stay with him even in my last days, but even asking those kinds of things, they are not right."

"Have you ever thought of surgery, Kenma?"

"As you probably know, I'm smart. I choose death though." Kenma smiled.

"So we are on the same boat then. It's what I chose but it doesn't mean it's not hard each day." Yamaguchi let his mind wander and exposed his inner thoughts with the stranger beside him.

"I wish breathing can come a bit easy, even just sometimes. At least the pain will be a bit bearable."

"Right."

Yamaguchi continued, "I constantly have panic attacks and sometimes I can't differ if it's that or this disease. Both don't let me breathe at all." Fear was visible in his eyes.

"Though these things happen, and it pains to see him laughing with someone else besides me, I'm still rooting for his happiness, even if it's not me." His voice was almost hoarse from the tears threatening to form.

"How awful it is to love someone and it has to be returned for it to be called love.", Kenma replied.

"Right, can we just live in peace?"

"More like we will forever hold our peace. We must be cursed." Kenma retorted. The two laughed at the most undoubtedly failed of a joke, but neither said anything.

"If it doesn't bother you, I'll give you my number, and call me whenever you want."

"Ah, I didn't know Kenma has a soft side." Yamaguchi chuckled.

"Shut up." Yamaguchi's heart stopped.

"Say that again?"

"What?" Kenma was baffled by his request.

"Sorry, and thank you for being here." The freckled male genuinely smiled at the small pudding head.

"Don't die before me." Kenma joked to Yamaguchi.

Days passed and it was the last day of the training camp. Everyone was treated to a barbecue by Coach Nekomata, and the different teams savored their last day of training with everyone. As the sun was about to set, Yamaguchi went back to the gym to get his bag, and a ball rolled from the supply room, causing Yamaguchi to shrieked from the eerie atmosphere. As he was about to pick the ball, he heard a loud thud, causing him to be more afraid. Different thoughts run through his mind. He wanted to run, but it would be rude not to clean up. Yamaguchi opened the door and his eyes went wide as his mouth hanging open at the sight he saw.

"Tadashi." The blonde couldn't look straight at his friend's eyes. His face has flushed a shade of red and sweat formed on his forehead.

"Oh, you are the Tadashi." Kuroo joked and smiled shyly. His physical state painted the same one as the blonde beside him.

Yamaguchi's face was red and as Tsukishima was about to say something, the freckled male dashed out of the gym. 


End file.
